“habitual love”

how can you miss what you do not know

and yet I miss her sweet caress

I miss the shape of her lips as she lets a breath of smoke escape

as she falls into a state of pure bliss

I miss the rush of excitement she feels as the sweetness courses through her veins causing her to shiver from the coldness it brings

I miss the way her legs fall haphazardly over the side of the chair she always sits in when she indulges in her favourite pastime

I miss her laugh, something between a giggle and a chortle as she stares off into the distance at nothing in particular but with a look of utter bemusement characterising her face 

I miss our walks in the sunshine, I miss her head in my lap while we lay in between long strands of grass…as her arm reaches up to grab the little stick from my hand

that wonderful little rolled up piece of paper filled with promise and opportunity… filled with hatred and lies… filled with jealousy and infidelity… it causes her so much pleasure, a pleasure I could never duplicate…

she calls her and she answers, always at her beck and call  

I often wonder if she ever really loved me at all 

or did she simply reside within a love induced haze in which the same smoke that filled her lungs clouded her judgement..

she was too good for me and so I started to love her the only way I knew how..

I began to feed her need because I needed her…and with every penetration of her skin her need for me grew… as long as she remained in a state of inertia then she would never leave me… could never leave me… she filled my blood in the same way I filled hers… we were one…we were equal… she was no longer too good for me… she loved me…


I loved the way her legs fell haphazardly over the side of her favourite chair.. I loved watching her there… I watched her for 3 weeks.. I ignored the knocks on the door.. I ignored the men carry her limp body off into the sunshine… a sunshine we had once enjoyed… I ignored it all but I understood… I understood that she would never be mine again and I hers… I ignored what I had done… all that mattered was that she had loved me…

 (to be read over instrumental of “You’ve got the Love” by Florence + The Machine) 

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