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is it a fear of being alone or of letting someone in?

I had a dream last night in which I was suddenly lost and all alone and I realised in that moment, never have I been more upset and afraid. I almost reverted back into a child like state in which I simply wanted the warm embrace and comfort of my mother. Subsequently, after watching Cloud Atlas this evening it has occurred to me that as humans, perhaps our greatest fear is being alone. For no matter what hardships we face, as long as we have someone, anyone with us, hell even a complete stranger, for that moment, we feel a sense of reassurance. But to face anything completely alone; I can’t imagine anything more frightening.

Ironically, I would describe myself as an incredibly independent individual who perhaps enjoys her own company a tad too much. But then I met someone. And I can’t quite explain it but I felt the strange need to keep in contact with this individual because I somehow knew they’d come to be important to me. That may all sound a bit soppy and very unlike me as I’m far from a corny individual, but perhaps I’d simply never understood what it means to be truly close to someone. And I’m not specifically just referring to a romantic closeness but even a closeness between family and friends. Perhaps the cynicism far too many are inflicted with is simply an indication of their own failure to comprehend such a relationship as they’ve never truly experienced it themselves. Perhaps love is intimidating. As someone who used to be rather cynical myself I can kind of understand that, it all seemed a bit too ‘much’, which if you think about it is rather ridiculous because I don’t think you should be able to measure love.

Now I’m not saying I believe in soul mates but what if throughout our lives, what if all our relationships had a specific purpose? What if the relationships we chose to keep determined our own personal growth? Thus, we’re not really independent at all. I like the saying that people walk into our lives for a reason, perhaps that reason is to learn something about ourselves? For example, that first date from hell when I was 19 taught me never to go out with someone who’s occupation you weren’t sure of..but that’s a tale for another day..fyi he was a hitman of sorts. My most recent relationship taught me how important friendship is and how a lack of it will ultimately doom any relationship.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I now truly understand the meaning of closeness and the huge impact it can have on your life, for to feel close to another human being, whether it be for a second, a day or if you’re lucky enough, for a lifetime, is possibly one of the most beautiful things you can experience. You just have to be willing to allow yourself the opportunity. We all have proverbial ‘walls’ up at one time or another in our lives, for some of us, we never allow them to be broken down. They usually stem from a fear of being hurt, possibly being hurt again. But a saying that I live by and that I encourage you to as well is “you don’t know if you don’t try”.

I think another reason this has been playing on my mind recently is that I was looking through an old photo album recently with my sister and I realised just how close my family is. Despite everything we’ve been through, I feel like love prevailed. We always had that, no matter what. And I realised, I want that. I want to one day be looking through a photo album when I’m old and grey and see the love I shared with all those that are important to me captured in a snapshot. And I want to have someone beside me that I can share those memories with me, whether it be a friend or family member or a partner. I want to always be able to have people around me that I feel incredibly close to.

Right, that’s clearly enough corniness for one evening. Gosh you’d think I’d been watching romantic comedies all weekend! What it actually is is the realisation that for that split second in my dream where I was finally reunited with someone I love and I gave them the tightest hug I can imagine, I was the happiest I’ve ever been and I think I’d like to experience that not just on a subconscious level but also in real life. 

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