My thoughts, my questions…

I cannot read the same passage twice and experience the same feeling when I first read it, it may or may not provoke the same questions from me, the same trails of thoughts. All I can really acknowledge is that it compelled me to write, in this case it was a series of passages within a book by one of my favourite authors. His books often lead me to contemplation and consequently to writing. I have many things I want to write, mostly they are the questions I find myself struggling with. Here are a few:


Why don’t people talk anymore?


I recall a time when I could spend all night on the phone to someone because I felt a connection with them. I would discuss music and theories and past experiences for hours on end. I would get to know that person, really get to know them. I would learn of their past and of their hopes and aspirations. I enjoyed these conversations, not simply because I enjoy talking, but because I like meeting different kinds of people and learning about them. I like learning how people think differently; their viewpoints on certain topics, an angle to a subject I had not considered before. But  people don’t talk anymore. We are told social media has shortened our attention spans, how we simply can’t concentrate on one thing at a time anymore, and yet I am sat here at my laptop writing, just writing, not doing anything else, simply letting the words flow freely from my mind to my fingers to the keys to the page. I have a different theory, I think we’re afraid. I think we are afraid to talk to one another because we don’t want to share too much, we don’t want to make ourselves vulnerable and so we have put up a hypothetical wall.

My friend posed a different theory; he said that he doesn’t talk anymore because nobody will listen to him as he’s not famous. I had not considered this. I had not considered that as we live in a society now so obsessed with the media and celebrity, that people not of a particular status are deemed as not having anything of particular importance to say. But talking teaches you things, that was a perfect example. My discussion of this exact topic with a friend allowed me to consider a different perspective and that excited me. The problem is this, if we don’t talk then I won’t really know you, I won’t know what it is you want and if I don’t know what it is what you want, then how can I know what it is you want from me and if I don’t know what it is you want from me then I shall simply go on living as I am, just being me, oblivious to your true desires, thus isn’t our relationship in itself a farce? No, not really I suppose because I can still enjoy your company and you can enjoy mine and we can connect on an above the surface level where we may share things in common and watch the same TV shows and laugh at the same jokes and enjoy the same music but I still won’t know you.

I have a friend. I only met this friend a few months ago. It was via a social networking site but I knew instantly that we were on the same wavelength based on brief conversations and one meeting. Although I don’t everything about her past and have not, in fact known her for very long, it is because we initially spoke about something so personal and she was so candid in how she spoke to me of her life that I felt a strong connection with her, similar to those one would feel after knowing someone for years.


Does everything truly happen for a reason or is it all a series of random events?


This is perhaps a more common question that is asked. I have been battling with it as of late due to particular circumstances that have recently arisen in my personal life. I recently read a theory stating that the universe will continue to force you to make certain decisions which perhaps you do not necessarily want to make or do not initially believe is the best decision. This directly relates to my father’s choice in his chemotherapy treatment. Following his surgery he was told he may not need chemotherapy as the surgery had completely removed the tumour and he had an 80-85% chance of no reoccurrence of the disease. Nevertheless, the decision was up to him. Thus, he decided not to go for it as the doctor informed him the benefit would only be a further 3-3.5%. However, after further scans and check-ups in the following few days, chemotherapy was actually recommended upon a new discovery. Thus, whereas beforehand he’d had the ability to choose to have the chemotherapy and chose not to, the decision had now been made for him. Maybe it’s for the best, maybe that was ‘the plan’ all along. In the same year that my father is diagnosed with cancer, his highly successful business which he built from nothing over 50 years starts to experience difficulties. Upon his diagnosis it was his wish that my siblings and I take an interest in the running of the business and give up our own careers to essential work for him. This has been very hard for my brother and I, who unlike my sister, did not study the area of which the business is in. Nonetheless, we both found a way to adjust because, simply put, we did not have a choice. It was what was expected of us. This man who had provided everything for us, was asking us to fulfil his wish and whether it be out of guilt or love or duty, we accepted. Once again, has the universe realised that this is not what we’re meant to be doing. It doesn’t feel like what I’m meant to be doing. Is the decision going to be made for us?


What does a partner want from you?


I have become rather cynical it seems. I don’t take myself seriously and whereas in small amounts this may be good, not to take anything seriously, isn’t. I have become disillusioned with romantic relationships. I question what it is people actually want from a ‘mate’. I used to propose that perhaps women expected too much of men, while in actual fact I now think it is men who, although do not voice it, expect quite a lot from women. And I’m not talking about the superficial expectations i.e being able to cook, and I call these superficial because men aren’t even aware as to why these traits are even of particular importance as they were in the past (survival instincts), they simply attribute them to a sort of checklist. However, I feel men subconsciously may want their partners to act as extensions of their mothers. But what if I’m not the maternal type, what if all I can offer is to be there for someone when they need me and to talk to them…but therein lies the route of the problem, people don’t talk anymore. There is someone I met. We had a connection. Then he left. Ironically, the book I’m reading is about this exact situation. I suppose that’s not really irony because at some point or another everyone has been ‘left’ and I can’t really call the timing of my reading of the book ironic as this particular event happened about 9 months ago. However, whether it had happened yesterday or 2 years ago I still think it would be of significance to me. It is actually only now that I am even halfway through the book that I made the connection between my experience and the story. Perhaps the event plays on my mind because it feels incomplete. Perhaps as there was no real explanation I am not quite sure what happened. It would be foolish to say I don’t care. I do care. Perhaps pursuing the matter would be frivolous. You can’t make someone talk. You must respect their decision. But if that decision directly affected you aren’t you entitled to a courtesy conversation. No. Because people don’t talk. They are afraid to talk. Talking would not only be acknowledgement of the consequences of their actions but also it would be allowing yourself to be put up for judgement. Does that make sense? Perhaps I should be questioning why I even want this person in my life. Is it not that I still have romantic feelings for them? No. It is simply that I care about them. What if they don’t want you to care. Then you move on. What if they then choose to contact you and then stop contacting you and then contact you and so forth. What if you are reading too deeply into things. What good will come of questioning someone’s actions who refuses to talk. Speculation does not provide answers. Is it not simply that they don’t know what they want either. Is it not simply that they too are confused. Will my being in this person’s life add any particular value to it? Perhaps not. Perhaps they don’t want to find out. Perhaps they have more pressing matters to deal with right now. Why do I truly want them to be in my life? Could it not just be that my pride was hurt when they left? No because I don’t believe in pride just as I don’t believe in jealousy. They are nonsensical emotions created by man. I want this person in my life because I care for them. But alas, perhaps the universe has other plans. Perhaps my cynicism is not related to this experience. Perhaps it is because everything is up in the air at the moment in my life. There is absolutely no stability. I don’t know what my father’s health will be like over the next few months. I don’t know how much longer I shall be working for his business. I don’t know whether my current flat hunting expedition is pointless because I will not be able to live at that property more than a few nights a week. I don’t know how much I should be spending on said flat as if I am not going to be earning this current wage for much longer, how will I afford the rent? It seems to me that I have a lot of questions and yet I am not filled with a feeling of uncertainty as I was when everything in my life began to change. On the contrary, I am positive. Perhaps I have begun to think things really do happen for a reason? No. It could still all be random co-incidences. I don’t know. What I do know is that while there is not a lot in my life right now that I have control over, I still have the option of living and that is something I am incredibly grateful for.

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